These are the boys and girls who use their phones more than the equipment. Oh… and they forgot to clean the machine after they were done using it. They hog a specific machine you wish to actually use for extremely long periods of time. These individuals forgot to read the gym handbook. Well, if you’re like me and you want to get sh*t done, then you best steer clear of these following gym New Year’s Resolution-ers: This is what makes me happy: I want to go to the gym, get a great work out in, measure results, and leave feeling accomplished. Gym owners are happy, personal trainers are happy, and new members are happy.Įveryone is happy except for the average, consistent gym goer like me. The population growth is astounding and I get it, it’s great for business. As far as I'm concerned, the healthy can have their gym back in February January is for the rest of us.It’s about that time of year again - the time when all gyms (big and small) see an influx of memberships for the New Year. After all, we're unfit! We deserve the gym as much, if not more than fit people. Whenever a new year starts, though, the gym is bursting at the seams with unfit people, and we all ban together to silently encourage each other. I remember looking around and realizing that, even though I was already self-conscious about my physique, I felt even worse now that I was by far the least fit person in an entire building. I first started going to the gym in the fall, and walking into the gym alone and unfit in the middle of October can be intimidating. As always, there are bound to be a few frightening fitness pros working out at that time of day, like the crossfit fanatic who's obsessed with kicking the shit out of unreasonably sized tires, the girl who only ever shows up to do butt workouts in shorts that are already specifically designed to make her butt look good, and that guys who grunts a lot before purposefully dropping the weights while standing in front of a sign that clearly says "DO NOT DROP THE WEIGHTS." But the start of a new year means that, in addition to all of the regulars, the gym is filled with a flood of new members and a fresh sense of camaraderie. So from noon until 2 pm, I'm the strongest man in a gym filled with nothing but supportive nanas, the fresh scent of Mentholatum, and the occasional hellish glimpse of an old man's scrotum peeking out from his shorts.īut in January, I go to the gym in the early evening alongside the other young people. All that's left is a slew of retirees lounging in the saunas and buying time before their discounted seniors dinner at Marie Callender's. By then, the die-hard morning cardio crew has wrapped up their workout and the hardcore weightlifters have yet to arrive. After all, the gym is never a more welcoming, comfortable place than when it's filled with a bunch of people who, like me, have absolutely no idea what the fuck they're doing.Įleven months out of the year, I do my best to get to the gym right around noon. You've proven yourself as someone who's fully dedicated to physical health, and now you have to wait in line while some newbie fumbles with the free weights.īut as a fitness dabbler, I welcome the change of pace. You've patiently put up with the asshole who plays mumble rap on speakerphone because he thinks he's too good for headphones. You've spent years pumping iron under the unflattering glow of fluorescent lights and have grown used to the pungent stench of chlorine and ball sweat. Now, I know that there are many avid gym goers who loath the annual migration of new years resolutioners. So this year, I resolved to buckle down and hit the gym a bit more often. I've gone to the gym for a brief workout once or twice per week ever since, but I've never been dedicated or disciplined enough to see any real results. If anything, going to the gym has made it so that now I'm in both emotional and physical pain. But to be honest, I'm still pretty anxious. I started dabbling in light exercise two years ago after a friend told me that going to the gym would help with my anxiety.
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